we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize