That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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