I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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