sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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