I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
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