so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
