Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Randomize
