Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
