Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
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my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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