Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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