Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
