it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
