well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
