I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Randomize
