Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
