I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
