He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
this hospital has no fireball
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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