I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
