I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
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