omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
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