Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
