Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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