I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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