i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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