Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
