I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Are my feet made of real feet?
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
