No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
