I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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