I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
organizing the empties. That sober.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
