Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
