Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
