she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
