i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
