Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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