Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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