Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Found the puke drawer
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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