worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
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