is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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