dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
