I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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