Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Who wears a wallet chain?!
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
