He disabled his match.com account in front of me
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Randomize
