I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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