I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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