haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
