guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Randomize
