apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
