did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Randomize
