Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
