i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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