These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
