My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
