I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
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