you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
