Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
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