Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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