she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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