Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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