I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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