mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
You left your phone here
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