and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
