Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
