I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Randomize
